DisneyTips.com Your Guide To A Great Disney Vacation
Note: The following article is a work of satire.
There are a lot of websites out there that will give you the latest news and updates on everything that’s hip and happening at Walt Disney World, but we here at Disney Tips have always had a leg up on the competition. You see, because we were the only people who went to see Brad Bird’s 2015 film Tomorrowland, we know a secret.
We’re able to time travel.
Well, not us, per se. But we’re able to send small objects that are roughly the size of the DVD case for Brad Bird’s 2015 film Tomorrowland backward and forwards through time, which means that occasionally we receive little gifts from future versions of ourselves.
Credit: Disney Tips
That’s how, as a Christmas present from future us, we got our hands on the official novelization of the upcoming 2035 summer blockbuster, Walt Disney World: The Movie. According to the notes in the novelization, this epic film will be directed by Iain Armitage from a script co-written by Jon Favreau and “an AI that recreates the combined minds and sensibilities of Bob Iger, Michael Eisner, and Walt Disney.”
The novelization, written (of course) by 89-year-old Alan Dean Foster, purports to accurately reflect the main characters and story of the screenplay, with a few scenes added to flesh out the backstory. We’ve only been able to check out the book, and not the movie itself, so we don’t know what parts will or won’t be in the film . . . but boy are we excited.
Credit: Disney
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This movie promises not just to finally represent on screen the true magic of what it’s like being a Guest at the Disney Parks, but also to reveal secrets and establish conspiracies that will redefine the Walt Disney World experience for years, if not decades, to come.
But since we don’t want to spoil a movie over a decade in advance, here are some selected excerpts that will hopefully have you as excited for this new era of Walt Disney World as we are!
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From The Prologue (pages 4-5):
They were all there.
And they were all dead.
Snow White. Peter Pan. Mary Poppins. Ann and Elsa and Olaf. The lion king, the little mermaid, the fox, the hound, all seven dwarfs, all 101 dalmatians, and every single mighty duck. Even Dwayne Johnson and Emily Blunt were there, dressed as their Jungle Cruise characters.
They were all there, in that tunnel between Disney Springs and Disney’s Hollywood Studios, with the dripping water and the splatters on the wall and the echoing floors that amplified every step that Thomas and Cory took.
Thomas shone his flashlight over the characters from Toy Story and Finding Nemo as he spun to find Cory vomiting and crying in a corner.
“It’s . . . it’s all of them,” Cory gasped between heaves. “All the characters from every Disney movie. And even Star Wars and Pixar and . . . Tom, I think . . . I think I saw Santa Clause?”
“Yeah, but think about who isn’t here,” Thomas said, trying to remain calm. “There’s nobody from the shows. Or the cartoon shorts. No one from the Disney Channel or Disney Junior. No Donald Duck.”
“No Mickey Mouse,” Cory said, looking up.
“No Mickey Mouse,” Thomas reaffirmed.
“So, they somehow escaped?”
“Or they somehow did it.”
That was when they heard the high-pitched laugh, and then heard nothing more ever again.
Credit: Disney
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From Chapter 2 (page 19):
“Looks like it’s up to us old-timers to fix this mess, huh?”, The Timekeeper mused as he turned to Uncle Orville with the closest thing to a sardonic grin his robotic mouth could muster.
Orville simply nodded as he added the bullets into his gun.
“Say, just what good do you think a six-shooter is going to do against magic spells and advanced super-science?” Buzzy asked, adjusting his glasses as he looked up at Orville.
The gun loaded, Orville slipped it into his waist-band, only now looking up at the pair of animatronic compatriots questioning him.
“No privacy at all around this place,” he lamented as he stomped off to where Dreamfinder, Madame Leota, and Abraham Lincoln were holding their council of war.
Credit: Disney
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From Chapter 23 (page 179):
“The value and moderate resorts were the first to fall,” she whispered. Even though there were no Anti-Imagineers to be seen, Tamara was clearly terrified of taking even the slightest risk of being overheard. “All-Star Movies, Pop Century Resort, Art of Animation Resort, those places. Then more and more of the top-tier hotels. Disney Springs. The water parks. Finally, they moved on Animal Kingdom, then Hollywood Studios. And you saw what happened at EPCOT. So now it’s just the Magic Kingdom that’s left. And even here they’ve got their places of power. The Haunted Mansion. Space Mountain. I hear that . . . that they even managed to turn a few of the pirates, and they’ve started sacking ‘it’s a small world.’ I pray that those are just rumors.”
Credit: Disney
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From The Epilogue (page 345):
As he watched Ariel swim off, side-by-side with Nemo, into the Seven Seas Lagoon, Mickey let out a long-held sigh. At last, all was right with the World again.
But after just a moment’s reflection, he turned towards the makeshift tent where the real battle was only just now being planned. He watched Figment flutter about as the Yeti laughed at a joke told by one of the monsters. This might not be the army he would have wanted, but it was the one he had, and by golly they were going to take this fight to the source.
It was finally time to do something about the Land.
